The moment before you fall

Red hats and blinding lights are finally a blink away, the year will soon end, and by this time questions arise. Did I achieve my goals? Did I waste my time? Will I have to rewrite my goals once more and pretend it is the first time? You try and try and often give up because life is too fast.

What's that thing you feel when you're about to give up?

So many times this year I struggled to open my eyes. My mornings are slow like a sloth on a rainy night. During the day usually lost, moving slowly but walking fast, or is it the other way around? 

That's the highlight of 2024: a frowzy fog. 

Moving slowly but walking fast, or is it the other way around?

The tasks pile up, and you can't stop, go fast, hurry up, and get it all done before the moon comes out.

You're moving fast.

Stop and take a step back, did you eat today? How much rest did you get last night?

That's why things feel like a mess there is something left behind. 

Things get done and you don't feel satisfied, although sometimes, you feel something almost tangible. Imagine you get electrocuted and it doesn't hurt. It is fast like lightning and strong like thunder. It doesn't hurt to feel this way and you can't say it is uncomfortable but it is new and doesn't quite fit. Think of a small box you are trying to fill with a living creature. A lab-created something called  "contained water" is like a liquid you can't spill because it is inside an invisible plastic bag, but that's just its body. You try filling the container with this strange organism and it fits perfectly, but it is frightened and doesn't want to touch the walls. It is not being uncomfortable or the thing you feel when you are about to give up. The feeling you get after you fall and must pretend and move on is the feeling describe above. You may feel a bit better, probably embarrassed, sad, or even angry, but your only option is to move on and leave with whatever is left. 

Now, think of the moment before you fall.

Mitski sings about going all in for something you know will fail in "I Bet On Losing Dogs". After everything is over you can't avoid feeling like you were wronged. Even though you went in thinking your judgment could be wrong, you can't phantom feeling surprised. That feeling you get when you are about to fall and open your eyes right before you hit the floor. What's the name for that? That feeling between hating your life and understanding everything is fine. It's not entirely good or bad, it's more like a half and half. You can't regret what you did because it got you where you are now, but you can't ignore the feeling. The thing you feel when you are about to fall is probably anxiety who figured it out months ago, or on a better note, your intuition telling you you were not wrong. 

The last thing is to imagine this feeling in every aspect of someone's life. Everything is covered with an overwhelming feeling that rips apart all hope and leaves you alone with a reality you don't enjoy. What can you do when every day you feel like you're gonna fall?